I debated even writing this post. Then I thought that writing it might be cathartic so I contemplated writing but not posting. Finally, I decided that maybe posting it would make somebody feel better or at least make me feel better. The reason I didn’t want to write this is three-fold. One, I hate feelings. I think feelings are stupid and ugly and annoying. I want to be a robot, a robot that runs, a running robot. A post that puts my feelings on full display is scary and gross.
Second, I didn’t want to offend those who suffer from clinical depression. I understand the severity of that debilitating disease and know that the feelings that I describe below are in no way comparable to what someone with this disease goes through. Finally, I didn’t want to offend those whose lives are genuinely fucked up. In the grand scheme of things, my life is great. I realize this. However, I still feel the way I feel.
All of this being said, I have been struggling with a capital S for the past week and a half. The old adage “when it rains, it pours” rings true. Life has been dragging me down. Life has absolutely sucked. Life has left me feeling spent, down, depleted, depressed. I’ve been in a complete funk. All I want to do is sleep. Anything else is exhausting. On top of legit life stuff going on, little things have utterly destroyed me this week. I’m angry at myself for not being happy during my absolute favorite time of year. And honest to God, my burrito from Taco Bell had too many onions, and it literally felt like the end of the world.
When I’m in a bad mood or a funk, running is what gets me through. Who doesn’t feel better after a run? Unfortunately, getting myself even dressed to go run has been difficult, let alone completing a workout. Even the trails haven’t made me feel better. I just don’t want to run. I know that running will make me feel better, I know that getting outside in this weather will make me feel better, but I just haven’t been able to do it. In fact, I’ve missed an important workout and cut another run short this week. Not wanting to do your absolute favorite thing on Earth to do is devastating and debilitating. The fact that I don’t want to run and can’t get over myself enough to bang out a decent workout only makes me feel worse, adding fuel to the depressive fire.
I remembered a video from Rob Krar about his struggle with depression and have watched that over and over this week. Krar is one of the biggest guys in ultras right now, and to hear him talk about the struggles that he still deals with puts things in perspective and is incredibly encouraging.
My grandma used to say “This too shall pass.” It’s an appropriate statement for anything going on in your life, good or bad. The good times will eventually pass so cherish them when they’re there. Be comforted in the knowledge that the bad times won’t last forever. I know that my ride on the Grand Funk Railroad will come to an end–that I will eventually feel better. I’m lucky that I have amazing family and friends helping me get there faster. I also know that sometimes all we can do is our best, and for a couple of weeks, our best may be just putting on pants that day or running half an hour even when we were supposed to run for two hours.
Now, I’m going to go do my best in my workout attempt and know that this too shall pass (and hopefully quickly).